You Do You

Please note: The photos are not from the centre, but ones I took along previous journeys.

When I signed up for the Vipassana 10-Day silent retreat, I chose not to do much prior research into the meditation technique or purpose of its practice because I wanted to attend with much of an open mind. Many know that I am not a spiritual person; I don't do yoga; and have never even attempted any sort of mind calming exercises. I arrived with a mental list of some things I wished to mull over and was extremely excited to be in a space away from the distractions of the city, the internet, and mundane daily tasks to just contemplate my life.

The centre itself was incredible with a huge variety of trees, plants, and beautiful flowers lining every walkway, plus a bit of trail which we were free to wander through. The best part was the wild kangaroos that would just gaze at you and go back to eating the grass as you walked by, just an arms length away!
For the whole of the 10-day course, everyone must observe the vow of noble silence, which includes restricting any physical, verbal, and non-verbal communication. It gave the whole centre a feeling of tranquility like I have never felt before.

Now, I'm a morning person, but the sun is usually my alarm clock. The first gong was rung at 3:50am to give us a chance to rise slowly before our 4:30 meditation start. From then it was breakfast at 6:30, an hour of meditation in the hall, followed by 2 hours in your room, lunch, an hour in the hall, two hours in your room, etc. It was a lot of meditation time, with just an hour and a half of teachings about the method and principles each evening.

Disclaimer: The following is an extremely condensed and biased summary of Vipassana which you should not take as a whole comprehension of the technique. If you wish to understand more fully, please read THIS page. The method was started 2500 years ago by Gotama the Buddha in order to teach people how to find insight and bare awareness of physical and mental (often subconscious) sensations that are occurring at the present moment. Vipassana emphasizes awareness of the breath and observation of subtle stimuli that we are constantly experiencing but usually bring zero attention to. The end goal is to see mind and matter in its true form of impermanence, as each sensation gives rise to another, and the previous observation no longer exists. This realization will help the student break free from feelings of attachment to any material or emotional bonds which lead to the immoral qualities of life (such as greed, jealousy, anger, etc.).

Well, for the first three days, there was no mention of the end goal or main purpose of the meditation. The teacher (really just a recording of an now deceased indian superior) would just say some words about observing and awareness of your breath. Well I'm sorry, but if I am spending 10 hours a day just feeling the flow of air, I want to know why and how this will help me reach "real happiness." I had come to the retreat expecting a chance to finally think through my problems and now I'm supposed to stop my mind from wandering? It didn't help that my muscles were so sore after each cross-legged meditation due to the fact that I am a flexible as matchstick. So I was in pain and frustrated with the partial instructions when day 4 came to finally tell us about the goal of our discipline. To crudely paraphrase the discourse, "We are all just a mass of atoms, a mass of bubbles, expanding, dying, and being replaced, millions of times each second [which has been scientifically proven]. There will be a point in your practice that you will transcend mind and matter and feel the vibration of these atoms. It will bring you peace as you will realize that possession in any sense is pointless because we are all just a mass of bubbles. You don't own your thoughts any more than you own the ground you live on because it all just exists."

So at that point, I realized that the goals, the technique, the mindfulness, was not something I wished to pursue in life. I enjoy my (false) belief of belonging to this world and bonds to the people I hold dear. I also believe that negative happenings and emotions are necessary and one should not just gloss over them by "observing the event as it is." The bad times make the good times better, we are able to more fully appreciate the happiest times in our lives by realizing the conflicts we have overcome to reach that point. I see the benefit of Vipassana for some people, and have nothing but praise for their dedication and patience within. That being said, I chose to leave the retreat on Day 5 to the realization that I live a blissful, friend and love-filled, morally guided life which I am quite happy with and have no desire to change.